Only for today, this entry is gonna be rather long. Really. Be prepared. Cos this week has been a very.. how shld i say... oh man. its just... crazy. emotional. reluctant, falsely accused. and i dont know what to say... it is hard to describe how much i really really cant bear to let go.

For the entire week, i felt my life was really screwed to the max, i couldnt concentrate in my daily training at the gym, i'm mentally and emotionally miserable. Miserable in a sense, i had to bear the consequences of my complusive actions. I wasn't granted a 2nd chance for the mistake i made. God didnt let any miracles happen despite my prayers to him every day for the week.

My story is really long. I'll make the effort to share here what exactly happened so if you read some point some where it is just too draggy and long-winded, i'm fine with your decision to close this page. Because this entry is just a memory to me I can never forget, and a lesson for me to learn from my complusive action.

After suffering with boredom at work for 2 months, i made the decision to tender my resignation despite my manager's strong urge to stop me, or really, advise me to not resign. It's the company's policy that i had to serve my notice period of 2 months. That's fine. I wanted to serve for 2 months, in the school, but the management made arrangement (which i was told that i cant choose) that they have deployment plans to deploy a new staff to my school, in less than one month! I had the thought that while serving my 2 months notice period, anything can happen. I mean i may decide to retract my resignation to stay on in the school? who knows? but to them, they see me as, what if i really cannot take it and worse, want to leave the school asap, less than 2 months? Then they are going to have a headache because they dont have any spare staff..(but hello. i state there black and white, "I WISH TO SERVE MY NOTICE PERIOD OF 2 MONTHS... IN THE SCHOOL!!!) Moreover I'm aware since that i tendered my resignation b4 my contract of 1 year, i'm liable to pay a penalty of $2000. And come to think of it, I think it is rather not worth it to pay this amount if i just had to carry on for a few more months (3 months to be exact), then i dont have to pay. Ok. I've decided I want to save myself now. And my GM also "plays a nice man" wanting to save me by offering me a solution - taking up this special case, a 2 month contract offer at this private instituition, in that case, my resignation put on hold, and should i resign after that contract, i wont have to pay the penalty because my contract is alr over. OK! Set. I decided to take up the offer on the spot, no need considerations. I mean ya... that's my 1st choice as my solution to save myself from paying the penalty.... and my 2nd choice? i want to stay on in my current school, hence, i'll retract my resignation. then no need to pay already what. But guess what. Unfortunately, the management already deployed a new staff to my school in less than 1 month, and on that very day, i was informed that the 2 month contract offer at the private instituition, is gone. No more. Like wth? then how abt my 2nd choice then? I cant even retract to stay because they've already deployed a new staff to my school. In other words, I have to leave the school no matter what. WHAT IS THIS? How can they do such a thing to me... and they kinda just paint this picture to me saying - ' Sorry.-but-you-just-cannot-have-things-your-way.' Oh my God I'm just speechless.

Yes that sum up the story and more or less you can imagine what are the next things that I can roughly look forward to see it coming my way. I cant stay. They cant deploy the new staff to elsewhere because afterall, they dont have a school for her (now, for me!) So probably they might resort to releasing me early from the company, and still, liable to pay the penalty. Really.

No matter how much I felt so "betrayed" and unfair of how this boogus company made all these arrangements that I absolutely have no say in, I am just reluctant to accept this fact, worse, my colleagues understand my situation and tried ways and means to help me by suggesting i shld seek help from MOM. The best part is, the Ministry "helped" me by just a less than 3 mins phone call, regret to hear that the response was rather negative, in other words, my case was deemed as, "not their problem". Now that's a very, nice, excellent, appreciated-NOT 'help' from the Ministry.

Oh well, on my last day at work, things did not take a turn, what made me extremely hurt to the max was my boss had full of misunderstandings of me. It's really, everything ended with a load full of misunderstandings btwn us. He is a man of a few words, lots of assumptions while I am the one who just cant speak up and kept every hurt to myself. So as a result, our r/s ended very soured. He made it sound as if he was being blamed for my leave from the school. I could see his hatred in his eyes. He let me go, without even a formal Gd-bye. Those misunderstandings weren't cleared. My heart really shattered into pieces at how all these ended. I did a lot for him behind his back. He never knew. He never knew how much care & concern i showed to him, (even though he never asked for it or he dont even need it from me) but to me, at work, he is like my 'partner-at-work', my boss, he is someone i could take all kinds of shit from him and never bear any grudges on him because i know if he can choose a more, less-offending or less-hurting step, he wouldnt have done what he had did. Everyone would wish they could have a 2nd chance to the mistakes they make. Some had their chance, some didn't.

On my part, i couldn't have a 2nd chance any more. Maybe it is destined that God made such arrangements for me to regret. And probably he knew what my future will be like if I stayed on in the school. I just felt that i had so much to give to the school, but who knows, maybe in the future some things really bad might happen, and end up that my boss hates me even more, or worse, even the P also grow to have a very bad impression of me. When i leave right now, the only person who probably hates me now is only my boss. The P and all the other staff really cant bear to see me leave. So i shld look on the positive side as to how God has planned for me. There is bound to have someone hating me when i leave, is either 1 person, or many. He decided 1 will be better for me to handle rather than many. So his decision means, i should leave the school, now. Hence, alright, I shld respect his decision for me. He always wants the best for his children. We should trust him. Right? I miss my boss. I still hope God could open his eyes to let him change his impression of me even after i've left, in whatever ways he wants him to find out, any ways will do.

Anyway, some updates are, i'm gg to another school as a relief for 2-3 weeks. that's my situation for now for the month of sept. I'm not sure how i shld pray to God for what kind of miracle he can bless me with. Hopefully anything can happen in the month of sept, of which, i could be a relief in another school again? or probably be posted to somewhere... just whatever arrangements the company can do to spare me from paying the penalty. Ya. That's about it.