Somehow, i feel i've gone overboard with my words/actions towards him.

I know he will be disappointed with my pessimistic thinking. I'm just upset with my current situation now. In a dilema over work and other commitments - commitment to my trainings, relationship, friends, family, REST&SLEEPS etc. If church is still another commitment i had to bear, i guess i would have put to an end one of the commitments. I'm exhausted to the bone. GIve me a break.

After talking ytd night with him and today's time spend together at home; eating lunch, sleeping, eating dinner tgt... i can feel Tubbie's commitment and love.

Tubbie deserves the best food, to grow and gain mass and he deserves a good diet( the high protein, low carb and low fat diet!) I will cook up for him extremely good diet food. Why? Because i want him to be happy. How I know what makes him happy? His passion for bodybuilding. I know he loves bodybuilding. I want him to win Asian competition. I know he can. I will feed him with my diet meals till he succeed (:

sometimes i think and think, and i feel that i'm pretty upset with myself. I actually feel that i'm rather weird, or rather, a little hard to understand in fact. Even sometimes my answer to MYSELF could be a vague, 'I-DONT-KNOW-WHY' reply. Basically I've been a rather insensitive or I should say, 'lack-of-intimacy & feelings' girlfriend. Every night as i reflected my behaviour and actions and what i've done for the entire day, and sometimes recalling my past actions, I realise how "bad" a girlfriend i am (when all along i've always had the image of myself being a perfect, loving girlfriend. how ironic!)

At times I dare to say, I can really take care of my partner. I know how to care for him. I would willingly (at times) cook his meals for him so that he can have extra time to sleep longer instead of waking up early just to prepare his meals, buy his groceries for him, get him things that he need like medications when he is unwell etc. But i'm also a bad gf in a way, i have moodswings, i would make a big fuss over small things when they dont go my ways...when i'm bad, i'm really bad. Bad in a sense, i would raise my voice and scold.(bad rite?) but not to a point when i get physically abusive. (HAHA! hope not.) Sometimes i feel my bad points kind of overright my good ones. And yeah, which partly i guess i'm not a 'good person' afterall.

Tubbie always initiates to hold my hand, but sometimes i just rejected him. He would always hold on to my hands tight but i would loosely hold it without any firm grip. Tubbie would try to kiss me but sometimes i would turn away to avoid it.
I thought abt it, somehow, imagine yourself in his shoes, how his love treat him like that. Can you feel the hurt, in his heart? I'm guilty of my actions. But i just think that he doesnt deserve this when he has given his love, so much to another, but yet not receiving back an equal amount of love back in return.

things just dont go the way you want it to be.

I've decided to get a job soon. so that i can keep myself busy with work, trainings, go home, rest, sleep and I dont have to think abt any other things, keeping myself away from other commitments.

I know there's this real problem in me. I ought to go thru everything alone, which is partly what i deserve.

I've never wanted to comment much. I feel that certain sensitive issues, comments should be kept to yourself. Nobody begs to hear your opinion. But this time round, i find that mass media has gone too far - the newspapers, The Straits Time.

This is for the writers of ANY articles related to City Harvest Church and all the shootings and aimings of how CHC staffs misused of funds, Pastor involved in plagarism *New case now*.. so what's next? are you gonna break in some interesting news like Pastor has an affair with one of the staff? Or CHC songwriters used copyright music? blah blah blah... new stories coming up one after another, and everything is freaking negative. Giving the public freaking bad impression of CHC as CHC is portrayed in a "bad light" obviously. How freaking biased the bloody mass media is. Absolute bull shit!

One is enough. Stop bombarding his life with more, more, & MORE! Have a heart to give him time to settle one b4 bringing up another. Brainless medias. Piece of crap!!

Today i think i calorie surplus. And, I think I cant train everyday now :( My muscles need rest, I need rest, my body and muscles needs time to recuperate, rebuild collagen to the joints, esp.

Toto is getting sick these few months. extremely.

Tubbie is finally back home tonight!! (:(:

Anyway, i'm beginning to feel weird in the gym. becos i'm just doing freakin "UNUSUAL" weights training which practically nobody understands what the hell i'm doing. [but of cos i knw what i am! ;) ] I hope this experiment doesnt fail me. And and, i can confirm, my 'Super Combo Set' of Biceps & Triceps work big time. Who says lifting light weights doesnt build muscles? Both arms of mine are getting leaner. Try doing about 200 squats in a day and tell me if the muscles on your thighs will toughen up a not. u bet.

Anyway, this cocky person in my life came up to me, almost wanted to brag to me how much his gf can bench. (As in how heavy she can do the bench presses) obviously he kinda looked down on my patheic 8 lbs of bench press. So what if she's gt the go at weights. But i've got the go at cardio. Can you cardio 2.5hrs one shot? No? No stamina. How sad. I've got no resistance strength, my resistance training is peanuts to you. But i've gt endurance stamina and YOUR cardio is peanuts to me. DO NOT COMPARE with me. Lifting heavy doesnt make you leaner than me. excuse me? how wrong. I'll show u one fine day, you've tried to brag to the WRONG person. Mister. Dont try to put me down cos instead, it will be the opposite.

Downstairs those nuisance, annoying indian kids are assaulting my ear drums with their damn bloody high pitch SCREAMS. WTH! My room's door is closed, music is playing on my labby and their screams are even LOUDER than MY MUSIC?!?!??! HELLO!! I'm staying on the highest floor somemore. Kids & Babies that only know how to whine, cry and SCREAMMMM!! are bloody pain in the ass. I HATE NOISY KIDS THEY ARE NOTHING BUT PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!! (DAMN PISSED!!)

eenie meenie mani mo lova~

Abt 2 weeks ago, Tubbie left me for Penang.

Today, Tubbie left me again. For HongKong...



Awaiting for your return. Monday pls quickly come.

Near or Far, I will always keep you in my heart.