Somehow, i feel i've gone overboard with my words/actions towards him.

I know he will be disappointed with my pessimistic thinking. I'm just upset with my current situation now. In a dilema over work and other commitments - commitment to my trainings, relationship, friends, family, REST&SLEEPS etc. If church is still another commitment i had to bear, i guess i would have put to an end one of the commitments. I'm exhausted to the bone. GIve me a break.

After talking ytd night with him and today's time spend together at home; eating lunch, sleeping, eating dinner tgt... i can feel Tubbie's commitment and love.

Tubbie deserves the best food, to grow and gain mass and he deserves a good diet( the high protein, low carb and low fat diet!) I will cook up for him extremely good diet food. Why? Because i want him to be happy. How I know what makes him happy? His passion for bodybuilding. I know he loves bodybuilding. I want him to win Asian competition. I know he can. I will feed him with my diet meals till he succeed (:

sometimes i think and think, and i feel that i'm pretty upset with myself. I actually feel that i'm rather weird, or rather, a little hard to understand in fact. Even sometimes my answer to MYSELF could be a vague, 'I-DONT-KNOW-WHY' reply. Basically I've been a rather insensitive or I should say, 'lack-of-intimacy & feelings' girlfriend. Every night as i reflected my behaviour and actions and what i've done for the entire day, and sometimes recalling my past actions, I realise how "bad" a girlfriend i am (when all along i've always had the image of myself being a perfect, loving girlfriend. how ironic!)

At times I dare to say, I can really take care of my partner. I know how to care for him. I would willingly (at times) cook his meals for him so that he can have extra time to sleep longer instead of waking up early just to prepare his meals, buy his groceries for him, get him things that he need like medications when he is unwell etc. But i'm also a bad gf in a way, i have moodswings, i would make a big fuss over small things when they dont go my ways...when i'm bad, i'm really bad. Bad in a sense, i would raise my voice and scold.(bad rite?) but not to a point when i get physically abusive. (HAHA! hope not.) Sometimes i feel my bad points kind of overright my good ones. And yeah, which partly i guess i'm not a 'good person' afterall.

Tubbie always initiates to hold my hand, but sometimes i just rejected him. He would always hold on to my hands tight but i would loosely hold it without any firm grip. Tubbie would try to kiss me but sometimes i would turn away to avoid it.
I thought abt it, somehow, imagine yourself in his shoes, how his love treat him like that. Can you feel the hurt, in his heart? I'm guilty of my actions. But i just think that he doesnt deserve this when he has given his love, so much to another, but yet not receiving back an equal amount of love back in return.