I gave up hoping for a miracle to happen. Things change and will never be the same again, anymore.

I am not in very good terms with Tubbie these few days or probably weeks. We have been quarrelling every time we meet. I'm so tired emotionally and handling a r/s is really very tough, esp when we have our stubborn sides and ego. He pinpoints my weaknesses over and over again while time and time again i always choose to avoid them. The main problem is in me.

The entire story of me is too long and recalling every vivid details of myself and my life makes me feel more discouraged and paralyzed. Maybe Tubbie thinks i am just finding excuses for myself to cover up my weaknesses by dragging in my past painful childhood memories, the fact tt i'm born with a silver spoon which leads to why i'm so spoilt, unreasonable and selfish. Tubbie says he doesnt understands me. Because i'm too complicated, just nobody will understand me. Because nobody understands me, they dont know they have hurt me so badly. Since young I have been hurt deep in my heart, but i just cant pour it out because I know that even if i pour all my sorrows out, no one is there to hear or even want to be there for me. I dont see anyone even remembering me. Because my existence is more towards non existence, and that i know partially i'm not really accepted by others. I dont know if i should blame myself or blame the background of where I am from, or maybe i dont even have the right to play this "blaming" game for the result of my fate. I'm just going through life now trying to reach my fitness goal but still far far away from them, at times feeling pressurised by Tubbie.

Do you know i'm really really very tired? I realise i cannot even handle my own r/s. Sometimes giving up isnt the best solution. Then what? Long term suffering will lead to happier days? I beg to differ. I'm feeling pain. I'm always hiding it. I hate to hide it. But i just cant help it. I need to move on with life and put them on hold. Only when i see time on my own, tt's when i feel less choked with them inside me after pouring them out to myself. I hope I can go somewhere peaceful with nth more to be bothered with.

It is my 4th time taking an energy bar. Somehow, i'm beginning to buy the fact that energy bar is not really my diet enemy. It really gives me the ENERGY to really have a go at my trainings. I'm planning dfor my 2nd cardio workout in an hr's time, and after having the energy bar, i felt the surge of energy, ready to be pumped and get my body movin'. Awesome!

For 2 consecutive days (Fri & Sat NIghts!), Tubbie came to my home to eat my specially-made-for-him dinner (: Even though these 2 days Tubbie never failed to irritate me and piss me off. BUt nevertheless, I still care for him more than he knows it. And he knows I still love him, despite the countless flatulence emitted from his bloody asshole that permeates and stinks up my whole room!


Friday, 6 August 2010:
Garlic Pepper Brown Rice, Stir Fried Vegetables and made from scratch - Beef Patty


Saturday, 7 August 2010:
Potato Rosti, Pork Chop and Honey glazed carrots.

I hope i can cook for Tubbie again (: ... but provided he should stop being so annoying!!